If you have been following my blog, you probably get the sense that I am an overall positive person who has overcome some pretty great adversity.   But life hasn’t always been so grand and happy for me.  During my first semester back to law school in 2009, I struggled emotionally and lived in fear of the unknown.

As I was back in Rhode Island, gone was the comfort of being surrounded by my family 24/7.  Gone was the comfort of knowing that Yale was five minutes from my house.  From January 2009 through May 2009, I was scared.  On top of the possible side effects and the new way I was living, I was constantly worried about all of the what-ifs.  Above all else – I had to find a way to be okay with “my new normal.”

Upon arriving back in Rhode Island, my friends offered their support and assistance with anything that I needed.  But what nobody could offer me during these times was the guidance and calming effect that was provided by my doctors, therapists and family.  I took a full course load, which in retrospect I probably should not have done, but I needed to prove to myself that all would be fine and live my usual life and resume my schedule.  What I neglected to realize was that I couldn’t just jump back in – things needed to be readjusted and put into perspective all over again.

Classes proved difficult.  I had trouble managing my time as the readings took a lot longer than they had previously; reading through the legal jargon just to understand the judge’s reasoning behind his/her decision took hours.  I struggled with taking notes about what I had read.  This became a major problem, as my final exam grade was contingent on what I could absorb and comprehend from these readings.  I struggled and wanted to just quit at times.  Nonetheless, I put a smile on my face and carried on.

What nobody knew is what a dark and difficult time this was for me. Even though I was so happy to be back in school working toward earning my degree, I was struggling and was spending more hours in my professors’ office hours each day to go over the materials instead of living the everyday 24 year-old life I was used to.  Was the neuropsychological testing correct – were my cognitive impairments permanent?  Was I going to fail out of law school?  As the semester came to a close, I panicked because finals were approaching and in law school, final grades are based upon one grade – your score on the final exam.

In addition to this stress, my personality was changing.  I was suddenly guarded about who I was as a person and as a law student and became insecure about my knowledge and skills.  When in class, I listened to my peers recite the case with ease and making it look like a walk in the park.  I grew irritable and frustrated with my abilities (or should I say, inabilities).  There were many moments of loneliness and a feeling of helplessness.  Then, there were moments of emptiness.

After a night out at a bar with my friends, we all returned to Ashley’s so the night would continue but I noticed that my friends were happy, loving life and seemingly without a worry in the world.  As I sat there watching, I began to reflect on what had happened to me and what I had been through six months prior.  The magnitude of emotions got to me and I went to an upstairs room, sat on the bed reflected and let my emotions pour out.  Fortunately, Ashley, being my rock and support system, immediately noticed and rushed upstairs behind me.  She did not say anything, nor did she need to.  She tried to be strong for me and to keep me encouraged but little did she know, I saw a tear rolling down her cheek.

My story has had so many ups and downs that are full of laughter, sorrow, inspiration and hope.  But I have never, until just recently, expressed the emotional toll it took.  I don’t know why, but recently I’ve felt the urge to share, in particular because I have been hearing of more and more people undergoing a hardship.  Dealing with a brain tumor, or any illness or disease for that matter is scary and your life gets turned upside down and nobody should have to face it alone.

So while I have shared a lot about the positives of my story, there have also been a lot of emotional times as well and for those of you who are undergoing something similar, you know what I mean.

So you didn’t get that job that you applied for?  Or maybe you got a C as opposed to B in that class?  Did you stay at the office late today, and yet still have piles of work to get through?  Your car’s broken down…again.  Sure these are all legitimate problems and life sure is full of them.   What matters is how we deal with them and how we come out on the other side.

Coming home in May, not even a year removed from receiving my diagnosis, I had a new outlook on life.  My first semester back at law school was eye opening.  Don’t get me wrong, I wanted to do well and maintain my class ranking, but I also refused to push myself too hard and kill myself over schoolwork.  During my hospital stay, my medical team constantly reminded me that I would never be measured by my classroom or courtroom experience.  No matter what happened after my hospital stay, I would always be defined by my determination and perseverance in overcoming obstacle after obstacle.

During the ensuing months following my surgeries, I was a spectator to life.  I viewed everyday occurrences with an open mind.  No longer did I stress about getting an A.  Did I want to?  Of course (I am Type A, after all); but I knew that if I attended class throughout the semester, analyzed the readings, studied and completed practice exams, I had done all that I could do and whatever grade I earned at the end was okay with me.

From day one of the first year, the focus is finding a job and earning exorbitant amounts of money.  Now, let me clear this up for you right now – that’s a fallacy.  Unless you finish in the top 25% of the class, you bounce around from job to job or maybe even through temp agencies and in real life, never make those millions you imagined were possible.  After my performance first year, I didn’t even concern myself with making it into the top quarter of the class, but even if I did, I’d be crazy to push myself that hard.  Life is far too short and fragile to let one insignificant thing in the grand scheme of things consume you.  I watched countless friends obsessively agonize over outlining and analyzing cases and statutes to earn the grade they were striving for.

The same holds true in practice.  I am simply amazed by how many of my peers stress over getting the hours in or getting their motion heard on the court calendar.  I just watch in amazement and think to myself “what if?”  When I witness such events, it takes every ounce of energy out of me to not say something, but I understand it – we all work hard and want good results for efforts.  If you work for a law firm, you have billing requirements that you must meet by years end, and after all, we need to keep our jobs to put food on the table.  But at what cost? It makes me wonder why as a society, we have created all of these human manufactured stressors.

I don’t mean to diminish your worries.  They are real and legitimate.  At the same time, I urge you to never stop focusing on the big picture and seeing what is truly important.  It seems to me that we too often take for granted what we have and lose sight of what really matters because we are too busy focused on nonsense.  Ever since I’ve recovered, I’ve felt like my life is moving in fast motion.  I have since learned to make sure I then take a deep breath and calmly approach the situation when I find myself getting stressed or frustrated.  My persona has changed immensely and I know this is a blessing in disguise.  Gone are the days where I rushed around, driving myself nuts to get everything accomplished by some arbitrary deadline.  I got my second chance, and I refuse to waste it by missing out on life’s joys.

For me, when real trouble arose, the question was not “do you want to have brain surgery?”  There was no option or decision to make – it was  “Chris, you need to have brain surgery.”  Not once, not twice…but four times, in addition to one gamma knife surgery.  This was my life and the cards that I was dealt and I coped with it all.  Like other situations, it’s not ideal, but unlike any of the scenarios in the first paragraph, this is a REAL problem and there’s no time to think about it or mull over your decision.  Instead, you have to rise to the occasion and learn to grow from it.  My obstacles have aged me years beyond my date of birth and I no longer stress over situations like those I mentioned here.  I’m the first to admit it – prior to my surgery, I focused on school and finding a job.  However, after my diagnosis, I realized that the important things in life are those that we have in front of us – family, friends and health.  With those three things in hand, the goals are infinite and life is good.  Yet, I still find reasons to throw on this t-shirt…