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Send In The Clowns

Any one who has gone through an emergency procedure knows the whirlwind it becomes.  Upon hearing the information I had long suspected I would hear, I was immediately rushed to Yale-New Haven Hospital where Dr. Joseph Piepmeier, head of Neuro-oncology, and his staff would be waiting.   Once I arrived, life was moving at an alarmingly fast pace.  There were questionnaires to fill out, identification bracelets to put on and doctors coming in and out of the examination room.

As Yale-New Haven is a teaching hospital, there were many graduate students that came into the room at the direction of the neurosurgeons and each asked the same questions over and over and over.  My favorite one of all was “What kind of pain are you in?  Any headaches?”  Seriously?!?  I first hoped that maybe this was all a bad dream and I was merely guest starring in an episode of Grey’s Anatomy.  Once that hopeful thought fled, I felt like replying, “no, I’m here because I like the hospital food.”  Once that barrage was over, in comes Dr. Piepmeier.  He was followed into the room by his chief resident, fellow neurosurgeons and the clinical care coordinator.  There was something about Dr. Piepmeier that calmed me – he had this glow to him, almost as if the moment I saw him I’d knew he would be able to help me.

I was then briefed on the situation – I had a tumor sitting in the ventricular system that displaced the septum pellucidum.  The procedure was described to me and I was told where the incision would be made.  Now, I’m a fairly bright kid.  I graduated UConn cum laude and had one year of law school under my belt so, I had heard my fair share of crazy latin terms.  But “ventricular system”, “cortical incision” and septum pellucidum?  He looked at me and said “any questions so far?”  I shook my head no, but if I were really on top of my game, I probably should have said “yes, do you have a medical dictionary?”  Between all the doctors in and out, the questions and medical jargon, I felt like I was at the circus – not quite Barnum & Bailey’s though – more like a creepy, frightening Cirque de Soleil.

I was then informed that emergency surgery was scheduled the next morning and it was my doctor’s hope that the entire tumor could be removed.  I signed the consent…as if I had any other option…and with that, a few questions were asked and the doctor was on his way and told me he’d see me in the morning.

Stunned and scared, I did not know what to do or what to say.  Shortly after, a nun from the hospital Chapel came into my room and asked whether she could pray with my family and I.  This is the moment that “it” all became very real to me and I knew that I needed God in this time of trouble.  I cannot even describe the thoughts that were going through my head at the time because I honestly do not even remember.  I was in such shock that this was happening to me.  The only question I remember asking the nun and my parents was “why me?” and nobody had the answer.

No Disguise For That Double Vision

Here I am yet again – Yale-New Haven Hospital.  The stale, sterilized smell of hospital hallways and plastic identification bracelets has become second nature to me over the last five years.  I am about to enter an entirely new realm of brain tumor treatment – gamma knife surgery.   My doctors are confident that this could be the final step to curing my tumor.  As I await my treatment with a monstrous metal helmet drilled into my head (yes, straight out of Silence of the Lambs – just call me Dr. Lecter – fava beans, anyone?), I think about how far I have come and look ahead to the struggles I will always face.

Prior to my diagnosis in the summer of 2008, I had been experiencing double vision for two years on and off.  I made an appointment with my optometrist, who was not concerned and concluded I had an inflamed optic nerve.  Prism glasses were prescribed to me and within two weeks, I was no longer seeing twins everywhere I went.

I started law school that fall and quickly realized that it lived up to everything I had heard – reading, analyzing and then more reading.  In that first year of law school, I scored average in all of my classes, though I struggled through my turn when I was called on in classes to “brief” the case.  It was something I could not understand at the time – I had read the case, took copious notes and talked about the case with my friends.  Luckily for me, I made some great friends and met the girl I would wind up marrying, and together, we all helped each other get through the first year with great success.

Upon returning home in May of 2008, the problem I experienced the previous summer re-appeared, but this time, it was much worse.  In addition to constant headaches, I was waking up and going to bed with the double vision, whereas in 2007, it was not until halfway through the day that the double vision would ensue.  I went back to my optometrist in hopes of him investigating this further, but he dismissed the problem and said it was common to have your eyes “eat up the prism”.  The remedy?   A stronger prescription!   Thankfully for me, after reading way too many medical cases gone wrong in school, I decided to challenge this diagnosis and demanded to be seen by an expert.  A neuro-ophthalmologist agreed to consult with me.  Within days, I was seen and after a quick evaluation, he immediately noted that something was drastically wrong – a large mass was pressing up against my optic nerve.  However, to be certain, he sent me straight to Yale-New Haven Hospital to have an MRI.

On July 1, 2008, I was notified that the results of my MRI were in and that an immediate consultation was necessary.  My parents and I returned to the neuro-ophthalmologist where the devastating news was provided to us that my MRI showed a large mass the size of a grapefruit sitting at the center of my brain.  I was to be transferred immediately to Yale-New Haven Hospital where Dr. Joseph Piepmeier, head of Neuro-oncology, and his staff would be waiting for me.

No one could have prepared me for this news and the obstacle I was about to face.  At the time, the medical staff at Yale was amazed that I was able to walk, talk, or even function.  For me, I would have never imagined how quickly I would need to grow up at the age of 24.

Five years later, here I am, back where I began and I am more hopeful than ever.  All things considered, I have been lucky – and this is why I have decided to start this blog.  To share my experiences, to educate, to inspire, to hopefully reach out to even just that one person who needs it…because after all, grey matters.