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I Fought The Law But The Law Won

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So today is July 2, 2014.  “Why is that significant?”, you ask?  Well, today marks six years since my first craniotomy to remove the tumor.  Not a day goes by where I don’t think about that day, or the endless possibilities that leave me asking “what if?”  The night before that operation, I prayed that that night would not be my final night on this earth.  But here I am – tougher than ever.  At first, the one-year, two-year marks were somber reminders of what I had gone through – the travesty and fright that my family and I were faced with.  But now, they are cause for a celebration, or a “Brainaversary” as I like to call it.  Last year, for my fifth-year Brainaversary, Ashley baked me a brain cake.  imageHopefully, I’ll have another one waiting for me at home today!  Regardless, I wish to thank my family, friends, medical team and support group from therapy and school for their tireless support in my battle.  Without you, I would never be here today.  To think how far I’ve come in six short years (but what has also felt like an eternity at moments) is astounding.

Without more, I can’t leave you hanging so I’m going to get back to the story.  After all, my intent in writing this blog is not to gain sympathy votes but rather to inspire and connect with other warriors out there.

Back on March 11th, I wrote about waiting.  Reverting back to 2011, I was in a waiting period for the bar exam results to be revealed.  I’m not sure what was worse – taking the bar or waiting for results.

The exam lived up to all of the hype.  “Grueling” is the word I would use to exemplify the entire process.

Nothing could have prepared me for the moment I walked into the room and was handed the exam booklet.  Prior to that though, I was taken into the room where I would spend the next 4.5 hours.  After booting up my laptop and waiting at the prompt screen to type in the word “Start” to bring me to the first blank sheet of paper for my response, I waited some more while further instructions were read. At least some states, including Connecticut, now allow examinees to complete the essay portion using exam software that you must download and pay a license for.  Ahh yes, more money.

The overwhelming feeling of sitting with the Bar Examiner who gave the instructions to applicants with disabilities made it all become real.  All examinees must sign an oath and are then escorted into their hotel room where you are instructed to start your laptop and log in to the software.  Finally, I was handed the first six essays.  I took a deep breath, collected myself and then focused my attention on the task at hand.  While applicants can begin with any number they want, I started with number one and away I went.  The first six questions were pretty much what I expected and though I could have written for days, I did not have the stamina or time to do so.  Before I knew it, time was up and I had completed the morning session of day one – 1/4 of the bar exam was complete.  Given that the break was only an hour, and at the advice of past applicants, I brought my lunch.  I was able to find a private, quiet seat outside where I ate – all while being completely exhausted and wondering how the hell I was going to go back in there and write for 4.5 more hours.  But I had to, and I did.  The six questions administered after lunch were even harder, but maybe that’s because I was drained from the energy expended on the first six and the work-up that I put into this day.  Nonetheless, the questions all called for responses that I knew, except for one but it’s okay, I made some stuff up and explained my reasons for what I was saying.  Before I knew it, time was called and day one was over.

Day two of the bar exam is known as the Multistate Bar Exam (the “MBE”).  You know…those really long multiple choice questions that I described in part one of this post.  After the morning session and 100 questions, I was mentally and physically exhausted.  I had no energy left.  On my lunch break, I wanted to just put my head down and take a nap. I was so close now though – I would fight hard until the end, just as I had done in getting to this point and putting myself in a position to be sitting at the desk taking the exam.  Yet, questions 101-200 were more of the same: oddly worded questions, many filled with old, ancient law that required you to have a brain like a sponge.  Thanks BarBri for the charts telling me that these types of questions were only tested a very small percentage of the time.

However, the clock continued to wind down and the 6:00 hour approached.  Finally, with a few seconds to spare, I had bubbled in my final marking on the scantron sheet.  Jubilation!  I had just completed the bar exam.  Where were all of the people who said that I would never return to law school, let alone graduate or sit for the bar?  What about the medical report that stated I should forget about going back to law school and was likely to remain at the capacity of a second-grader?  When I got home, I had a celebratory dinner with my family who was there for me every step of the way.  I had nothing else to do but to sit and wait for results.

In the months that followed, I replayed questions over in my head again and again.  Fortunately, I returned to work at law firm in Connecticut where I was keeping busy in the asbestos defense practice.

October 7, 2011 was a bright and sunny morning.  This was the day the Connecticut bar exam results were to be released.  In Connecticut, the committee simply posts on its website the names of those examinees who passed the exam and are recommended for admission to the bar.  So everyone and anyone can get onto a computer and look – not the fairest or best way for nervous examinees.  Nonetheless, I was confident this morning.  More than two months removed from taking it, I truly felt that I had passed and was about to burst into tears of joy.

After refreshing the page time and time again, the list of names appeared.  The names were presented in alphabetical order by the applicant’s last name.  Slowly, I scrolled though until I came to the C’s – there were lots of them.  I looked away from the screen, collected myself and then refocused my eyes on the screen.  I went one by one and low and behold, my name was not on the list.  I tried again and again, thinking perhaps I overlooked it in anticipation of the excitement.  But reality set in and my name was not on the list.

As a result of working for a law firm and all the attorneys having gone through the process, they knew that the results were also posted.  Before I even had the time to process what had happened, I received email after email offering condolences.  I needed to talk to my family; to Ashley – I could not handle the moment.  Within minutes, I received an email from the office administrator offering me the rest of the day off if I wished to leave and be with my support group at home.

The feeling of defeat stung for a little while.  But I had overcome so much that I knew I would be back to try again.  When I received my actual results from the Bar Examining Committee, I saw the score that I earned and the score needed to pass.  Without revealing the number, I knew I had to go for it again; I’d be a fool not to.

In the ensuing months, I geared up for the February 2012 exam and worked with a tutor to master the methods to take the exam.  One of the things that I learned from my score is that it was not a lack of knowing the information, but rather, there exists a defect in my ability to communicate my mastery of the subjects in my brain into the multiple choice answers that were provided after each question.  I’ll tell you this much – my essay scores were well above-average.  Given ample time and opportunity to explain my reasoning and analysis in reaching a conclusion, I have no trouble.  But when I am presented with a long and complex problem with four possible answers, all of which could arguably be correct, I have trouble.  I worked tirelessly to master the technique of reading and analyzing within the strict time constraints presented on the bar exam.

Now, for those unfamiliar with the process, only your scores on the multistate bar examination can be used on subsequent examinations but your essay scores cannot.  So my strong essay scores would go to waste.  I had no choice but to study and prepare for the entire exam again.  I took a leave of absence from work and locked myself in a room and library for the winter months.  The tutor provided me with some suggestions on how to approach the questions and additional tips to narrow the possible answer choices down to two.  From there though, it was a matter of processing the right answers from the wrong answers.  The bar exam does not test how smart you are.  Rather, it is a test of endurance to see if you can arrive at the “best” legal conclusion to a problem in a short period of time.  After two days and six hours, you will have handled two-hundred-and-twelve legal matters and counseled that many clients.

When time was called for the final time, I felt once again that I had done it.  Fast-forwarding to May 11th – results day.  Like a nervous wreck, I checked and checked the website until the list had been published.  I looked for my name, but again, my name did not appear. Upon seeing my results, I was astounded to find that my multiple-choice score had improved but my essay scores had dipped.  Go figure.  As a result, I was right where I was the first time.  There was no fluctuation in my score.

Well, the old saying is that the third time is the charm so I decided to try again.  I took some time off in between administrations of the exam to give myself a mental break and gear up for the studying and preparation.  I also had to find a way to pay for my life so I waited until July 2013 to retake the exam.  In addition to the financial situation, I figured that some time would be the best thing for me.  I still had all of my books to prepare and after much research and reviews, I opted to purchase flash cards to help me ingrain the material in my brain to allow me to quickly recall and spit out the material when I was presented with a problem on the exam.  After another leave of absence from work and countless hours of my life devoted to studying, the two days arrived.  I was again escorted into my private room where I would spend the next two days killing the rest of my good brain cells to pass the test.  But in what felt like a snap of the fingers, it was over and I was on my way home.

At the time that I registered to take the exam, I did not think to look when the bar exam results were going to be posted.  Yes, they actually tell you the dates the results will be released for the next three years that the bar exam is administered.  So I tell you this because on October 4, 2013, bar exam results were released – and I was on my honeymoon in Italy.  I dreaded the moment, but had to look – after all, I told Ashley that if I passed, I’d buy her a Louis Vuitton.  Plus, I just had a feeling that my luck was about to turn.  I had been through hell the past five years but had just married the girl that I loved and was with her eating everything in sight and drinking the best wine on earth.  So despite the data plan that I was paying for, I did it all through my phone.  And when I checked, I felt the same semblance of defeat I had grown accustomed to.  My name was not on the list.

For some who have been down this road, all hope might be lost.  But for me, I have so much to live for and strive for.  At the current time, I have decided to hold off on retaking the exam as my scores have not improved and at the recent advice of my surgeon who looked me in the eyes and said: “Chris – you will never be measured by your performance on an exam, but rather your testament in overcoming the odds to live and the only advice I can give you is to follow your heart.  You will succeed in whatever it is you want to do.”

That was all that I needed to hear.  I knew in my heart that right now, passing the exam was not meant to be, for reasons outside of my control.

The law may have won this time.  But at the end of the day, I’m alive and well.  I have my whole life to live and an exam cannot and will not define me.

I Won’t Back Down

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For my readers who have a brain tumor or had a brain tumor, you will agree – life is that much more difficult for us.  And when you pile on preparing for the bar exam and the expectations to pass it, life becomes arduous.

To sit for the Connecticut bar exam, all applicants must pay a filing fee of $750.00.  The application consists of approximately 30 pages of questions and requirements such as listing every residence you held for more than thirty days, both temporary or permanent, since your eighteenth birthday or for the past ten years, whichever is shorter.  Oh, and in chronological order.  The application also requires an applicant’s employment history, again both temporary and permanent and in chronological order.  You will also need affidavits, letters of reference, a certified driving history, a copy of your law school application, verification of your law degree and a Certificate from the law school Dean which states that you entered law school on such and such a date and earned your degree on such and such a date.  And a contract to give up your firstborn child…not really, but might as well.

The exam is administered over two days, each day being 6 hours long.  Testing accommodations (special test-taking exceptions for applicants with qualified disabilities) are available, but any applicant who wishes to avail themselves of these must complete a further application and have his/her doctor complete paperwork and submit all supporting materials to prove the accommodations are necessary.

When I applied to take the ethics exam (a separate test you must pass before you can even apply for the bar exam), I applied for testing accommodations but received a letter which stated, in relevant part: “Your request for testing accommodations is denied because the documentation provided for review does not contain all of the essential elements…Your documentation does not contain any scores from relevant cognitive or achievement batteries to indicate a current substantial limitation to a major life activity.”

Seriously?!  My surgical reports which stated that I had a large tumor resected from my brain, along with having a device inserted allowing me to function on a day-to-day basis doesn’t constitute a “current substantial limitation to a major life activity”?

Not to fret though, my doctors and I would just send in additional records, along with past and current images of my MRIs.  In addition, we provided the results of the neuropsychogical tests accompanied with a letter providing an update on my diagnosis, changes since that test, current treatment (which would be the shunt and anti-seizure medicine) and rationale for providing me with extra time and a private testing room.  We submitted everything imaginable and I was notified that my request had been granted.  The bar exam application required the same documentation which meant that I had to resubmit all the same documents.

If you’re an applicant with a disability applying for admission to the bar, the first step for you is to apply for accommodations.  Applicants with a disability are entitled to apply for whatever accommodation that you “the applicant” deem necessary to provide you an equal opportunity to pass as the applicant next to you.

The bar exam, at least in Connecticut, begins both days at 9:00 a.m. and ends at 4:00 with an hour for lunch.  Ask most applicants and they will tell you they felt pressed for time.  After my tumor was removed, I was not the same person and 6 hours was not going be nearly enough time to complete the exam.  Completing certain tasks now took me a lot longer as the information did not process as quickly as it had previously; or, like my final exam, I’d read a problem and understand it in my head but then end up writing ten pages or garble.  So, what was I to apply for?

To start, I knew for sure that I would need extra time, that was a given.  And in talking with the bar examiner, if my request for extra time was granted, I would start earlier than the other examinees and end later in the day, but with one one-hour break for lunch only.  So I would need something to eat in the exam room.  And to drink.  So I requested both of these as well.  Additionally, I requested a private testing room to avoid being distracted by the hundreds of other examiners in the room.  After the tumor resection, my ability to maintain my focus had diminished and my thoughts turn to mush.  In order to receive any accommodation, my doctors had to complete paperwork that explained how “what” I was applying for would assist me in passing the exam.  You said it, it was a headache.

Not more than a month after everything had been submitted, I received a piece of mail from the bar examining committee notifying me that my request had been reviewed and granted.  My schedule was 8:30-1:00 and then 2:00-6:30.   I was permitted a private testing room, the extra time and a “quiet snack” (whatever that is).  A drink was permitted, but it MUST be put into a clear bottle so that the examiners can inspect it.

So, how does one prepare for the bar exam, you ask?  Well, before explaining the methods and strategies that some utilize, let me first tell you about the exam.  In Connecticut, the first day now consists of six essays and two multi-state performance test questions.  The times that I have taken it, it was 12 essays on various topics.  The bar examiners provide a listing of possible subjects from which they can draw questions.  I think there were 18 total subjects.  How nice.

Day two consists of two-hundred multiple choice questions, all drawn from 6 subject matters – you have three hours to complete 100 questions in the morning and then three hours to complete 100 questions in the afternoon.  These are not your run-of-the-mill multiple choice questions.  photo 2Rather, each question is a complex problem which requires you to sort through the facts, analyze everything and select the “best” answer.  Note that I wrote “best.”  On the bar exam, there is no “right” answer; rather, they want you to choose the “best” answer and when there are four options to choose from, you can pretty much make a sound argument that any one of the four is the best answer.

Now, for just $3,250.00, you can register for BarBri, a two-month bar review class designed to assist applicants in passing the exam.  Upon registering, a nice present will be delivered to your address – two boxes filled with books.  photo 1In the BarBri course, you attend classes in a lecture hall and fill in outlines in a book designed by course instructors.  But there’s a twist – the lectures have all been pre-recorded and are shown on a video.  If you have a question about any of the material, I’m sorry but you’ll have to email your question in and wait days for a response.  While there is no requirement to taking the course, you put yourself a pretty high disadvantage if you don’t because almost everyone else takes it.  And the books are chock-full of released questions.

The video begins roughly around 9:30 every day and ends around 1:00-1:30.  You then have about an hour to get home and eat lunch before you begin reviewing and analyzing the lecture outlines from that day.  The advice given is to outline your outlines to absorb the material.  Once that is complete, there are problem sets from the books pictured above to work through and complete.  The problem sets can take hours.  It’s a lot of work to get through 18 multiple choice questions as they are long and tedious and the only way to learn the legal concept is to answer the question and review the answers, specifically why the wrong answer is in fact wrong.

The best way to sum up taking the bar exam is exhausting.  A month into studying, you find yourself asking what have I learned the past month and how can I possibly remember all of this?  Don’t worry – you’re told on day one of bar review class that you won’t remember everything so don’t bother trying.  Wait, what??

Hazing.  Survival of the fittest.  I apologize in advance to the readers who are currently preparing for the exam next month – I have faith in you.

As for me?  I wasn’t nearly the fittest of the fit.  Two years removed from having surgery, my brain was still not what it used to be.  And I knew that it may never be.  I had studied all that I possibly could; done as many practice questions and practice exams as humanly possible.  I was mentally and physically exhausted.  As the exam approached, I feared for my life.  I feared that I would cause myself to have another seizure from the unnecessary stress of taking the exam, or yet, that the shunt would malfunction due to the stress I was putting on myself in trying to cram mounds of information into my brain.

No stopping me now though –  the moment had arrived – July 26-27, 2011.

 

Good Riddance

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With a few more grades that raised my eyebrows, I shrugged it all off and went full steam ahead to the finish line – graduation day (sort of). While I would walk with my friends at graduation, I had to make up the one semester that I missed to recover (It’s still pretty remarkable to me that it was “only” one semester).   The old adage is that 1L they scare you to death (hmm, maybe this all makes sense now?), 2L they work you to death and 3L they bore you to death.  As the end of the third-year neared, all of my friends were in full-blown frenzy with the wretched bar exam quickly approaching.  For me, it was one of the happier times of my life.

It was a  bittersweet day.  Law school represented, and still represents, the most tumultuous period of my life.  Those three years brought out the best and worst of me, but graduation day meant it was time to say goodbye to so many good friends and the state that I had called home for three years.  I was on the verge of the sweetest victory I could have scripted – earning my juris doctor degree.  If you were to ask pretty much anyone on July 2, 2008 if I would ever finish my degree, you would find that the majority would say “no”.  But not me.

All that stood in the way of me and that moment was one semester at Quinnipiac University School of Law.  Why didn’t I continue at Roger Williams, you ask?  Simply put, I realized that all of my peers that I had entered this chapter of my life with would be leaving after we walk across the stage and would be returning to their respective homes to begin their careers.  Back to Massachusetts…back to Arizona…back to New York….back to Connecticut.  Everyone was scattering and what was I to do there without my support group?  I needed someone to be there for me, who knew my struggles in the classroom as well as my medical history to guide me through the last semester and so  I opted to complete my final semester as a visiting student at Quinnipiac University.

Quinnipiac is set out over acres of beautiful land with Sleeping Giant State Park in the backdrop.  On the flip side though, how was I to cope with not watching the morning fog roll through the Mt. Hope Bridge or hearing the sound of the waves crashing against the rocks?  I’d manage – at least I had my mom’s home cooked meals again to get me through.  In retrospect, my final semester at Quinnipiac was everything that I could have hoped for.  The professors were wonderful and understanding to my personal situation and the time went quickly – very quickly.  Before I could even blink, it was November 1st and talk about final exams began or presenting our final paper, which in essence, we short novels full of legal jargon.  To top it all off, the bar exam began to play on my mind and I asked myself “how” I was going to get through the remainder of the semester and through all of the adversity that awaited me.  But on that same day, I received this email…

Email

Now talk about support.  This email is just a sample of the support that I provided by my family and friends throughout law school and during my illness.  This was all the motivation that I would need to carry me through to the end.  Once again, my parents were right there to pick me up and provide me the encouragement that I needed to dig deep within and find the will to get through the semester.  I know I sound like a broken record, but without the support of my family, especially my parents, none of this would be possible and I would be unable to write this blog.

As I typed the final “ . ” of my last final exam, I was overcome with joy.

Sweet victory, I had accomplished the unimaginable.  GraduationAfter all of the trauma my brain had overcome and the adversity I faced, I was finished.  There were no words to express the sense of pride and accomplishment that I felt at that moment.

What came next was trying to figure how to pass the bar exam – but how?  There was no holding me back now though.  I had worked so hard and had come so far.  But being human, I think and wonder what I would have done with my life had I been diagnosed prior to enrolling in law school.  But what’s in the past is in the past.  I dismissed the fact that exams were now even more difficult for me than they had been previously.  After forking over nearly a thousand dollars just take the bar exam, in addition to thousands to take a prep course, I was on my way once again.  Or wasn’t I?  I’ll save the topic of the bar exam for another day.

For now, I celebrated my accomplishments.  Graduating law school…I was on cloud nine.  I was having the “time of my life.”

Celebrate We Will Because Life Is Short But Sweet for Certain

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So you didn’t get that job that you applied for?  Or maybe you got a C as opposed to B in that class?  Did you stay at the office late today, and yet still have piles of work to get through?  Your car’s broken down…again.  Sure these are all legitimate problems and life sure is full of them.   What matters is how we deal with them and how we come out on the other side.

Coming home in May, not even a year removed from receiving my diagnosis, I had a new outlook on life.  My first semester back at law school was eye opening.  Don’t get me wrong, I wanted to do well and maintain my class ranking, but I also refused to push myself too hard and kill myself over schoolwork.  During my hospital stay, my medical team constantly reminded me that I would never be measured by my classroom or courtroom experience.  No matter what happened after my hospital stay, I would always be defined by my determination and perseverance in overcoming obstacle after obstacle.

During the ensuing months following my surgeries, I was a spectator to life.  I viewed everyday occurrences with an open mind.  No longer did I stress about getting an A.  Did I want to?  Of course (I am Type A, after all); but I knew that if I attended class throughout the semester, analyzed the readings, studied and completed practice exams, I had done all that I could do and whatever grade I earned at the end was okay with me.

From day one of the first year, the focus is finding a job and earning exorbitant amounts of money.  Now, let me clear this up for you right now – that’s a fallacy.  Unless you finish in the top 25% of the class, you bounce around from job to job or maybe even through temp agencies and in real life, never make those millions you imagined were possible.  After my performance first year, I didn’t even concern myself with making it into the top quarter of the class, but even if I did, I’d be crazy to push myself that hard.  Life is far too short and fragile to let one insignificant thing in the grand scheme of things consume you.  I watched countless friends obsessively agonize over outlining and analyzing cases and statutes to earn the grade they were striving for.

The same holds true in practice.  I am simply amazed by how many of my peers stress over getting the hours in or getting their motion heard on the court calendar.  I just watch in amazement and think to myself “what if?”  When I witness such events, it takes every ounce of energy out of me to not say something, but I understand it – we all work hard and want good results for efforts.  If you work for a law firm, you have billing requirements that you must meet by years end, and after all, we need to keep our jobs to put food on the table.  But at what cost? It makes me wonder why as a society, we have created all of these human manufactured stressors.

I don’t mean to diminish your worries.  They are real and legitimate.  At the same time, I urge you to never stop focusing on the big picture and seeing what is truly important.  It seems to me that we too often take for granted what we have and lose sight of what really matters because we are too busy focused on nonsense.  Ever since I’ve recovered, I’ve felt like my life is moving in fast motion.  I have since learned to make sure I then take a deep breath and calmly approach the situation when I find myself getting stressed or frustrated.  My persona has changed immensely and I know this is a blessing in disguise.  Gone are the days where I rushed around, driving myself nuts to get everything accomplished by some arbitrary deadline.  I got my second chance, and I refuse to waste it by missing out on life’s joys.

For me, when real trouble arose, the question was not “do you want to have brain surgery?”  There was no option or decision to make – it was  “Chris, you need to have brain surgery.”  Not once, not twice…but four times, in addition to one gamma knife surgery.  I had brain surgery...This was my life and the cards that I was dealt and I coped with it all.  Like other situations, it’s not ideal, but unlike any of the scenarios in the first paragraph, this is a REAL problem and there’s no time to think about it or mull over your decision.  Instead, you have to rise to the occasion and learn to grow from it.  My obstacles have aged me years beyond my date of birth and I no longer stress over situations like those I mentioned here.  I’m the first to admit it – prior to my surgery, I focused on school and finding a job.  However, after my diagnosis, I realized that the important things in life are those that we have in front of us – family, friends and health.  With those three things in hand, the goals are infinite and life is good.  Yet, I still find reasons to throw on this t-shirt…

Free Fallin’

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Frozen.  Locked.  Helpless.

These three words epitomize the feeling I felt one night in March 2009.  My mind froze and my body suddenly and without reason locked up.  The signal of communication between my brain and body were lost.

In talking about my first semester back in my last post, I told you “about halfway through, I was mentally done.”  This was the moment that I was referring to: my life’s latest curveball and the topic of this next entry.

To set the scene, I was reading my family law cases and the time was just about 6:50 according to my roommate.  A couple of minutes later, I noticed that the words on the page began to blur and when I tried to yell for help, I couldn’t.  I could not move my arms, let alone highlight the passage that I had just read.  Within seconds, I was standing next to my desk, spinning in circles uncontrollably and then all consciousness was lost.  My body was jerking and I was having uncontrollable spasms.  My heart was beating faster than I ever heard it and I was sweating bullets.  I felt my eyes rolling to the back of my head and the drool pooling at the corner of my mouth. Eventually, the twitches ceased and I slept.

When I woke up, I was on the ground with the upper half of my body in the closet.

“How did I get here?” I wondered.  Alone and afraid of the unknown, I rose from the floor and walked into bathroom where I threw ice-cold water on my face.  When I looked up into the mirror, I noticed a massive egg in the middle of my forehead.

I tried to recall the events that took place but was unable to remember anything after my manic spinning. I assumed that I was trying to find a place to sit down but lost my balance, fell and landed in the closet.  There were no words; no feelings that I could use to express what was going on in my mind.  It could only be summed up in one word: terrified.

I walked down the hall to my roommate’s bedroom and was greeted with an abrupt “what happened to you?!”

“I don’t’ know”, I replied.

I called home and my mother answered.  I heard her talking and asking questions, but I could not answer any of them.  “I do not know what happened” I continued to tell her.  She asked questions to gain information such as “what was I doing” or “when did this happen?” Again, I had no idea but my mom said to me: “You need to find out how long you passed out for.  It is 7:05.  What is the last time that you looked at the clock?”

Wait, holdup. It was only 7:05?  That means that I had only been out for a few minutes?  Why did it feel like I was in the deepest sleep for days?

I feared the worst.  I thought, “did the shunt stop working or worse yet, did the tumor grow back in a more aggressive manner?”

At the same time that I called my parents, my roommate was on the phone with Ashley to let her know that something was wrong.  Within minutes, Ashley arrived and began asking questions.  Unfortunately, I could not answer any of them. Still, I had no clue.

Now, to think having to be seen at the hospital was a hassle, Ashley brought me over to Rhode Island Hospital for an evaluation. I was without any of my records or past MRI’s and there was really no way for me to explain what happened other than “I was reading, felt weird and passed out.”  The doctors were completely unfamiliar with my medical history and the treatments that I had been through and they had to take my word on what I was telling them.  Fortunately, in my wallet, I carry my neurosurgeon and clinical coordinator’s cards for situations like these.  I remembered that I had them in there so I took out the card, handed it to him and directed him to call the number.  The cognitive exams and strength tests were normal and he assumed it was a seizure and pumped me up with anti-seizure medicines and fluids to hydrate me.  I was kept for further observation and finally released around 3:00 a.m.

The next day, I was back down at Yale for an appointment with my neurosurgeon.  Following the regimen of questions and my responses, he prodded a little further and sent me for a precautionary scan.  Finally, and to my great relief, the cause was confirmed – I had suffered a grand-mal seizure.

Unfortunately however, there was no telling what caused the seizure, but it is not uncommon for someone who has undergone such traumatic brain injuries as I had just been through to suffer a seizure.  But again, I could only wonder and ask myself “why me?”

With my prescription for Dilantin in hand, I was back on my way to school and headed back to classes.  But like any traumatic experience in life, I had conditioned myself to fear having another seizure.  Any evening that I sat my desk reading a case or outlining for class, I was reminded of my incident and felt the fear of “what if?” It’s completely irrational but I was uneasy thinking that something else would derail my quest and cause me to land back in the hospital.

After another email to my professors letting them know of the latest episode, they took it easy on me and I did not get called on the remainder of the semester.  But yet, exams were quickly approaching and I had to control my emotions and pull through.

However, if a seizure was all that I had to deal with, life isn’t so bad I told myself.  I told myself “It’s just another chapter to a great book.”

Or perhaps I’ll need to devote a couple of chapters to this topic….

Back to School. Back to School…

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…to show my dad I’m not a fool.  Ohhhhhh, back to school.

Tap tap tap tap tap tap.  Tick tick tick tick tick.  The sounds of an auditorium style room full of anxiety-filled, Type A law students taking a final exam, typing away at their laptops and checking their watches.  Before my surgery, there was nothing quite like that atmosphere to send me into my own personal hell… but obviously a lot changed after my 1st year.  No longer did a measly exam send me into panic – my brush with death had a way of knocking out those testing butterflies.  Sitting in this room now gave me a sense of pride. I was actually completing a law school final exam only months after being told I may never achieve a mental capacity greater than a second grader.  Submitting the exam when the time was up was akin to what I’m sure a marathon runner feels like after crossing the finish line.

This was one exam that I would forever remember.  A few weeks later, I eagerly checked my grades, and next to that particular class, I saw a “NS”.  What the hell did that mean, I wondered?  I asked Ashley but she had no idea either.

Let’s back up…

As you can probably surmise, I decided it was time to try heading back to law school.  There was only so much research I could conduct, hearings that I could sit in on and reports that I could write to prove to myself that I was ready.  My effort, dedication and work product continued to impress my employers – they too, knew I should head back.  I knew it was going to be tough and unlike anything I had ever experienced during any of my schooling.  But with my one semester leave-of-absence nearing its end, there was one critical obstacle in my way.  At yet another follow-up MRI and appointment with my neurosurgeon, I was informed that there was no further growth and that the shunt was working very well.  My progress had continued to amaze the Yale medical community and without more, I was granted clearance to return to school.

And just like that, I was back into the routine.  I received my registration date and time to pick my classes and off I went.  Being ambitious as always and not wanting to fall behind any more than I already had, I registered for 15 credits.  Call me crazy, insane or even stupid for doing that – but guess what? I did it. Well – sort of.

Those five classes required me more to work harder than ever before and resulted in greater angst in a five-month period than I had ever experienced.  The assigned reading was overkill at times.  As I was still in a rehabilitation state of sorts, I was unable to easily read material the first time and comprehend it.  And to further complicate matters, these were judicial opinions, many of which were chock full of legalese and acronyms galore – thank God for the law school spark notes!  I got called on multiple times and just stared blankly or made up some incomprehensible response.  It was awkward at times.  Again, I was around classmates who I held in high regard.  I wonder what they thought when I was called on?  Then again, after what I just beat, I didn’t really care what they thought.

Despite everything, my friends still stood by me.  Early on in the semester, Ashley and my friends threw me a surprise welcome back party.  photo(5)photo 2It was awesome to see all my friends in one place and to know that they cared. Like law school, this too was a test for me as I was forced to be in a social setting, and like school, I managed.  I was completely surprised and happy to know that everyone came out and showed their support.

The rest of the semester was such a blur.  About halfway through, I was mentally done.  But I dug deep and found the extra energy needed to get through the rest of the semester.  Finally, the last day of classes had arrived and then reading week to prepare for exams. For me, that was crisis mode.  How was I to retain all of this information under the rigorous time constraints?  Even despite what I had just been through, my exams were still administered in a rigorous three-hour window. It was an experiment for me, but it was the only way for me to assess myself.

There were certain classes that I did really well in, far exceeding my expectations.  And there were others, well, let’s get back to that “NS”.

Shortly after seeing my bewildering grade, the emails rolled in and the phone rang. It was the law school calling to tell me that my exam was so poor, incomprehensible and confused that I had earned an F. Earned.  That’s nice.  But seriously, was it that poor?

My professor and the school were willing to work with me.  But there were those who I could hear whispering “I told you so…” Nonetheless, as ashamed and embarrassed as I was, I arrived at the school to meet with the members in Administration and my professor to review the exam.  A quick explanation of law school exams – you are given an extremely long story, with multiple “characters” and events (Think Murphy’s Law style – everything possible can and does go wrong in these scenarios).  You then need to write a coherent essay explaining all the legal issues involved in the story.  Where I went wrong was as clear as day to my professor and perhaps and interesting anecdote for any neurologists out there – all of the legal principles I identified were correct, but I had simply mixed up which “character” did what.

The school and my professor recognized that my exam was not a true indicator of my work throughout the semester and I was given the opportunity to retake the exam over the summer.  Otherwise, all of my hard work, the time that I spent with the professor during office hours, outlining and re-outlining my notes, taking practice exams and reviewing them my professor…not to mention losing thousands of dollars on this course would be gone.  Fortunately for me however, my professor recognized all of this and fought hard.  I recall him telling the school and I that he had previous students with traumatic brain injuries who had manifested the exact same problems on exams.  My professor suggested that I be allowed to retake the exam that was being given during the summer course. After much back and forth, I was notified that I was permitted to retake the exam that was to be administered during the summer session.

The legal concepts and theories were still fresh in my head but I still put in many hours of preparation as before because I refused to squander this opportunity.  I was so determined and prepared to nail it.  After it was all said and done, I received word from the law school that I had earned a B.  What followed was a congratulatory message from my professor commending me on my hard work and persistence.

So like you Billy Madison, I proved to my dad and my family that I’m not a fool.  I knew it all along but there were plenty of doubters.  Again though, through adversity and persistence, we can all achieve whatever we set out minds out to do.  The human brain is an amazing, resilient organ.  To think that a tumor the size of a grapefruit was in there which in turn lead me to having to differentiate between a red fish and a green turtle to taking and passing law school exams is, well, mind boggling.  After getting through that first semester back, I was more than happy to bring on more tap tap tapping and clock-watching.

Take It Easy

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Following the shunt insertion surgery, I had to find myself in the world again.  As I touched upon in a previous post, I was released from my cognitive and physical therapy programs immediately, but I was not prepared for a return to law school just yet.

I needed to work on myself.  Beginning on July 1st and continuing through September 7th, my days were spent in emergency rooms, operating rooms, the ICU, rehabilitation centers and in my house.  At all times of the day, I was trapped in my mind and head.  In a previous entry, I mentioned  that my therapists said my story was reminiscent of Jean-Dominique Bauby and The Diving Bell and the Butterfly.

For those of you unfamiliar with the story of Jean-Dominique Bauby, it is a fascinating and moving story and I recommend reading the book (or even watching the movie) if you are interested in learning more. Imagine waking up in a hospital after suffering a massive stroke only to find that you can think and reason but you cannot communicate with the outside world.  You are now paralyzed.  Yet, you can still hear sounds, smell, taste and feel emotion.  Essentially, you are a prisoner inside your own body.  Bauby was left only with the ability to move his left eye.  Blinking was now the way he communicated with the world.  Nevertheless, even though his body was immovable, his mind and spirit to think were free.

I too, was locked inside my own body until September 9th.  As miraculous as my recovery was, there was still much work to be done.

Now, I know what you are thinking – I obviously recovered because I’m writing about my story . But it wasn’t that simple.  As I mentioned above, I had gone over two months without doing anything of any importance and if I wanted to pick up where I had left off and move forward with my life, I would need to put in some serious work.  My surgeon and medical staff, while in amazement over what taken place, could not predict what my recovery process would be like, nor could they predict how I would function in everyday life.  If they could not make any assessments, you can rest assured that I too had no idea what was in store.

Could I comprehend what I read?  Write a brief?  Advocate for a position?  Sometimes my ambition and drive gets the best of me, so of course I felt the need to start testing myself immediately.

“Immediately” is the key word here.

Not less than a week after getting back from my Rhode Island adventure where I felt I was destined to soon return, I went straight back to working for a law firm.  Too FastOn September 21st, I walked into the office and headed up the stairs.  The last time that I was walking up these stairs was on June 26th – the day that I knew I was not okay.

At that point of the summer, my parents were driving me to and from work because of the double vision and in fear that something was not right.  However, their fears did not stop me from wanting to work and so they agreed to drive me with an understanding that I would call them if something were wrong.  No later than the time I had gotten up the stairs, I got on the phone and called.   As I walked up the stairs, I felt extremely dizzy, light headed and queasy.  I stopped on the landing halfway up the staircase and leaned up against the window.  After mustering up the energy, I slowly climbed the rest of the stairs, sat down and called home – and you know the story from here.

Let’s try this again, shall we?  On September 21st, I returned to the office and headed up the stairs.  This time, I made it up with no trouble whatsoever and was feeling great.  My employers were thrilled to see me back and doing well.  I was eager and willing to do whatever task needed to be done, even if it meant standing at the copier machine all day pressing “start” or typing out a word document for an attorney.  Over the course of the next three months, my progress improved greatly and I was being assigned more meaningful tasks. With each task that I had completed, I was beaming in confidence and eager to see how I would perform in the classroom.

Life was still moving nonstop for me and I was on the go 24/7 doing some task to help me resume my life as it had left off prior to my diagnosis and surgeries.  I’m thrilled I was able to get right back into my life.  I wanted it all back immediately and to erase from my memory what had happened to me.

At that point in my life, I did not want to remember any of this but rather, to carry on and move forward with my life.  I never stopped to reflect on the severity of the situation; the pain and emotion that I had felt during the previous months; the impact this all had on my family or just what a total roller-coaster ride my life had turned into since May.

Ashley often told me, and still to this day has to remind me, I never took a minute to grieve over what happened to me and express my emotions.  Six years removed from my diagnosis and years of battling to get to where I am today, I can look back and realize that at that time, the best way for me to deal with what life had thrown at me was to continue life as nothing ever happened.   But hindsight is 20/20.   My situation has matured me beyond my years, and I have now learned that there is nothing wrong with that.  Nothing in life should be taken for granted.  Life is precious and can go by in an instant.   I learned.  I grew up.  But that didn’t mean that I needed to push myself too hard too fast.

For you readers who are undergoing a similar experience, let loose and express yourself.  Don’t let it consume you, but it is okay to acknowledge that something bad has happened to you.  Do not try to be a hero and pretend that everything is okay if it’s really not.  As I said in a previous post, family and friends got me through my battle and you can rest assured that they have your back as well.  Trust me.

How to Save a Life

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In our lives, we all have someone that we can rely on to lift our spirits and make us smile.  In the summer of 2008, I realized how lucky I was to have more than someone – I had an entire army of support and caregivers.  So without more, I dedicate this post to my guardian angels.

Dr. Piepmeier, Director of Neuro-Oncology, Yale New Haven Hospital – I do not even know where to begin to thank you and tell you what you mean to me.  From the moment you stepped into the consultation room and we met for the first time, I knew you were going to get the job done.  Your professionalism and courtesy to my family and I during such a tumultuous summer is never forgotten.  I often think of what it would have been like had another surgeon handled my case; fortunately, I never need to think about that.  My family can attest to the fact that, upon receiving the diagnosis, I was scared of the unknown, but after meeting you and hearing the plan of action prior to the procedure, I was at peace and prepared for battle.   Then and now, you provide me with a reassuring sense of confidence that I could not give myself.

Betsey, Clinical Care Coordinator, Department of Neuro-Oncology – When I received my diagnosis and spoke with you for the first time, you had a calming effect on me. I instantly knew that, as bad as the diagnosis was, the team of doctors who were assigned to my case were going to get me through this and back on my feet and doing all that I planned to do in this life.  I feel so fortunate to be able to rely on you as my go-to person to have questions answered.  But more importantly, you provided me the hope that I needed to assure me that things would get better and to keep the faith.  Your smile and positive outlook has had a profound effect on me and for that, I am forever grateful.

Aunt Linda – Thank you. You have truly played such an important role in getting me back to the point where I am at now in my life. Your patience and grace in working with me never goes forgotten. As a 24 year old, trying to re-establish the connection between what I saw and was thinking and trying to verbalize those thoughts was demoralizing.  As you were showing me those flash cards, you never lost the patience and willingness to continue to work with me even as I struggled.  Your emails made me smile and your cards with words of wisdom resonate.  You are a wonderful person and I feel extremely fortunate to have you a part of my family.

Dr. Quagliarello (Dr. Q), MD – Not only are you a great family friend, a father of one of my great friends I met in elementary school and baseball coach of Famous Foods, but you have been a great source of support, care and guidance.  I often flash back to the day I was admitted to the hospital after receiving the diagnosis…knowing my mom called Joyce, who in turn contacted you and you rushed down to the room where I was waiting to see the doctors just so that you could be there with my parents and I.  You were able to provide comfort to me in a time that I needed it the most, but I know that for my parents, you provided them with a sense of hope that I was in good hands at Yale and with Dr. P.  Thank you for always checking in on me during daily visits to Yale and the house, as well as providing support to my family during a tough time.

Ellen, Speech Pathologist at Gaylord Hospital – When we first met, I was in complete disbelief that my life had taken such a drastic turn that I was in need of speech and cognitive therapy but I am happy to have been referred to you.  The alphabet board; the flash cards; the exercises to restore my strength – what was I to do with those, I wondered?  You laid out a plan for me, never grew tired of watching me struggle and never lost faith in my ability – you knew I was in there somewhere and kept prodding and encouraging me to keep trying and practicing.  Sure enough, I did it and I owe a great deal of my recovery to you.  Thank you.

To all the nurses who kept guarded watch of me in the NICU: though I do not remember you by name, I know each and everyone of you cared greatly about me during that summer and I owe a great deal of gratitude to you.

Last but not least – to my tremendously supportive family.  Where would I be without your love, support, faith and comedic relief.  I was but a shell of the person I am today and I owe it all to you – you never gave up on me and continually encouraged me to strive to get better and persevere.

I Get By With A Little Help From My Friends

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From the day that I was diagnosed to the weeks after the shunt insertion and still to this day, my family and friends played such a huge role in my recovery.  I think we too often take for granted how important having a reliable support group can be – but they are so much more than that.  Having someone to laugh with or who can take your mind off things can go a long way during a period like this.

For the first time in three months, I had consecutive weekends filled with socializing and excitement.  On Sunday, September 14, 2008, the Giants were playing the St. Louis Rams.  I was downstairs watching the pregame show when the doorbell rang.  My mom yelled down to me: “Chris…there’s someone here to see you.”  All I wanted to do was the watch the game!  Well when I went upstairs, at the door was my friend with a tray of food.  I looked at him and then looked back at my parents – did I miss something?  One by one, all my friends came over to the house to watch the game with me. Surprise! I was in shock but elated nonetheless.  I just couldn’t believe that everyone had come by just to spend the afternoon with me and hang out like we had grown so accustomed to doing.  I had not been in a social setting with so many people in a long time and was uneasy at first.

My scars were still not healed, so I put on my baseball cap backwards to cover them up and I was ready for a great afternoon.  The last time I had seen everyone all in one place was the afternoon prior to the emergency surgery to remove the hematoma that almost took my life.  On that day, I was a shell of the person I was on game day.  My friends looked at me in amazement – it was awesome.  We joked, laughed, ate everything in sight and as if that day weren’t bittersweet enough, watched the Giants were victorious.  And speaking of joking, out of nowhere, I heard a couple of friends doing impressions of Arnold Schwarzenegger, but what do you think the quote was?  None other than “It’s not a tuuuuumor!” from Kindergarten Cop.   Some things just never change….

I was so excited that they came by to break the ice and hang out with me, but what I remember most of all is that they did not let it bother them that I was still not 100% and looked somewhat like Frankenstein.  They all could’ve gone to the sports bar to watch the game but instead they came over to watch the game with me.  Those are true friends and a sure way to make anyone feel good about themselves, no matter the situation.

The game ended too soon but I was already busy looking for plans for the following weekend.  I talked to Ashley almost every free chance I had the following week and practically invited myself up to Rhode Island for the upcoming weekend.  I had been cleared to drive but Ashley, being the nervous Nellie that she is, pleaded that she come down to Connecticut to pick me up.  Believe it or not – I turned down her offer and drove.  This was such a liberating feeling and something I had to do in order to regain my confidence with everyday tasks.  To this day though, she still shakes her head when I remind her about that decision.

Driving across the Newport Bridge and headed north towards Bristol, I had flashbacks to the last time I was in Newport – the afternoon walking the town with my mom searching for apartments to rent for the upcoming year.  As I was having these thoughts, I quickly realized how fortunate I was after living through such a harrowing life experience.  I then crossed over the Mt. Hope Bridge and felt like I was back where I belonged.  Coming over the bridge, I could see the red, white and blue painted lines on the street.  Over to my left, there was the law school.  I took a good long look at it. I told it that I’d be back, but not yet.  First things first – visit Ashley and the rest of my law school friends.

The last time that I had been with everyone all in the same place in this setting was the day of our last final.  If you’re unfamiliar with law school, you enter as a 1L and spend the duration of your 1L year with the same group of people.  I found this to be beneficial because many of our classmates became very close friends with each other.  We got each other through the many ups and downs.  And on the day of our very last final, after all appellate briefs had been written and argued and final exams completed, it was time for a proper send off at one of the local pubs.  So when I saw everyone together for the first time since that day, it was bittersweet.

I was still wearing my hat backwards to cover the scars and somewhat nervous to be around such brilliant people.  I had just spent my summer reading Dr. Seuss books and memorizing farm animals on flash cards while everyone else spent their summer in law offices.  “What was this going to be like?” I wondered.  But then I realized – I’m a warrior and though I was nowhere near as smart as those I associated with, I was now mentally tougher.  There was a “Section C” party at one our classmate’s house and there I was – laughing, talking and having a good time just as I had done months earlier.

Friends are always there to pick you up when you’re down and help you through the tough times.  For me, I was quickly shown two weekends in a row how important friends and support groups are and can be.  And that’s one of the reasons I’ve decided to now give back.

I recently reached out to the Connecticut Brain Tumor Alliance to discuss ways in which I can pay forward the gift that I have been given.  While I can never provide a medical miracle, I am able to be there to listen to those who are undergoing what I went through and show them that through their adversity, things can and will get better. But for those friends, I would be a shell of the person I am today.

To them all – thank you.  You each played a profound role in my recovery and showed me the power of friendship…and for that, I am forever grateful.

Here I Go Again On My Own

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So you’re probably wondering whether the story is over now.  Well, fortunately for you but unfortunately for me, it’s not.

Once I was released home with the shunt in place, I was in a “wait and see” holding pattern.  Sure, things were going really well immediately after the procedure but everyone, myself included, was curious what the following weeks and months would bring.  Just as quickly as I had my cognitive functions restored, my life was placed back on hold some more.  Nevertheless, I was not deterred and was prepared to move onward in this fight.

Good riddance to the powder I used to have to add to my liquids due to this cough thing I developed at some point.  Goodbye Dr. Seuss, thanks for the memories!  “Red fish, blue fish”– how about “no more fish”?  And how could I forget to say goodbye and thanks for the torment from those daily quizzes about news stories I’d have to read and try to write about.  It was all quite easy to push this off to the side and focus on getting back where I had left off.

There was plenty of stuff to do to occupy my time.  I had to close the doors on certain things but also needed to regain my independence with various tasks.  I knew that the road back would not be easy by any means, but I had to be optimistic and hopeful.  I wanted so badly to return to Rhode Island and rejoin my classmates and be a 24-year-old kid again, but I grew up immensely in that two-month span.  One thing at a time…

To start, the rehabilitation center wanted to see me again so they could conduct an independent evaluation and “close their file” on me if they determined there was nothing more for them to do.

For once, I was excited to go to rehab.  I’m not typically one to boast, but I was chomping at the bit to go there as I continually recalled the conversations between the therapists and my family where it was doubted that I would ever recover.

I’ve said it a lot, and I’m saying it again – I knew all along that I was in there.  So on the day that I returned to Gaylord, I could not wait to walk in there and show them the “real” me.  When I stepped off the elevator, amidst the buzz in the common area with patients coming and going, I saw my speech pathologist wrapping up her session with a fellow speech therapy patient.  When she saw me, she eagerly waved and indicated that she would be right with me.  I raised my chin proudly and exclaimed, “Take your time, no problem!” Yea, this was going to be a great day.

During our one-on-one time, she asked the typical questions – this time however, I answered each with ease. Her face said it all.   “Go ahead, pinch yourself” I felt like saying, “but this is no dream.”  I proclaimed that a medical miracle had occurred.  In all my years of living, I have never seen someone look at me in such awe.  But that’s the reason I’m sharing my story – to exemplify the beauty and amazement of the brain.  As I said a few paragraphs ago, my ability to recover was doubted.  I have grown accustomed to hearing people doubt the ability of the human brain.

There was still one last thing she wanted me to do before signing off on my release from therapy.   As part of my homework during the months of July and August, I had been keeping a folder of worksheets and journal entries detailing my daily activities to submit it to her (looking back on that folder now, it was full of nonsensical and illegible papers).   This was her method of tracking my ability to find the words to express myself, but also to see where I was on a cognitive scale. I had become accustomed to hearing her say what the assignment was and then having forgotten it completely by the time I even arrived home. This time though, the assignment was to write the story of my recovery.

My eyes lit up and I said in my head “a ha! A theme!”  Though I hate to borrow from “A Christmas Story” again, I must.  I was having flashbacks of the many moments from the past two months, just as Ralphie had of Old Bart and his Red Ryder BB gun when Mrs. Shields asked her class to write “a theme – what I want for Christmas”.   It’s sick, I know…but I love that movie! But I digress…

I could not wait to get writing.  For the first time in a long time, letters had meaning to me again and the words just poured out onto that paper.  The picture on the top was an assignment I completed prior to the surgery…the one below is my essay I wrote days  surgery.  Note the dates on each…unnamedphoto(8)

I couldn’t wait to hand-deliver it to her and when I did, she read it there and then.  She smiled, shook her head in shock and awe and said there was nothing further for her to do.

Things went very similarly with the physical therapist.  Not only did I regain my cognitive functions but I also regained strength on the right side of my body.  The facial droop had diminished, my handwriting drastically improved, I was able to walk on the balance beam again and could lift the five-pound weight ball with my right arm.

Did I ever think I’d be freed from own brain?  At times, no.  But with hard work and persistence, the brain can adapt to any set of circumstances and overcome even the toughest of obstacles.  Even still, while I was able to write a short story and converse, as well as use my mental energy to think, I needed to put all this to practical everyday use before I could even attempt to get back to law school.

Challenge accepted.